April 30, 2008

Dear Red Bell Pepper.

Hello little one. That bumping you felt on your head yesterday morning was our latest prenatal checkup, but you're probably getting used to that by now. Your mother and I are a little upset with you for being so uncooperative with the technician. Every time she tried to get a profile of your head to measure, you kept wiggling around and sticking your nose in the way. I can see already how you're going to behave as the progeny of photographers. I will admit, though, that it was great to see you moving around so much.

Everything else is looking beautiful! You have ten little fingers and ten little toes, which made us both very happy, and your little heart is going strong at 151 beats a minute. We're going to start seriously kicking around some names for you in the next couple of weeks, but we have a lot of names that we know we don't want and very few that we like, which makes things difficult. A lot of the good ones are already taken. Don't worry, though—we're not going to get all trendy on you, if we can help it.

Out here, most of the pretty flowers are gone, and the trees are filling in with deep green leaves. I hope your first spring is as beautiful as this one has been, because everything seemed to be richer and more colorful this year. This is the tree in our front yard blooming from the end of March up until this morning:

Sleep tight, little pepper, and try to stay off your mother's bladder. She's getting tired of going to the bathroom every fifteen minutes.

Posted on April 30, 2008 12:11 PM | link to this entry

April 28, 2008

The Right Tool For The Right Job.

I've found all kinds of evidence of cost cutting here at the Estate, perpetrated by contractors, handymen, journeymen and bums who may have been "going through rough patches", trading services, or simply drunk on the job. Scavenged, straightened nails, scrap lumber joined to form studs, leftover wire joined by junction boxes doubling back and forth through walls where it could reach the farthest. THis kind of thing is so common now that I've factored in the added cost of redoing everything I touch, and my SOP is to gut everything to the bones so that I can fix everything possible.

With that in mind, I had to pull a section of floor underlayment out in order to install a wall between the bathroom and the office last week. As I started levering out the fibrous board, I realized the floor tile installers were probably the only professionals ever to enter the house, because they used approximately three metric tons of ring shank nails to hold everything down. Now for a little tool edumocation: Ring shank nails are specially designed with threads along the body to go into wood and stay there, offering twice as much withdrawal resistance than an average nail of the same size. This makes them specially suited for jobs like floor underlayment, where thousands of pounding feet over the course of years on the corner of a board will eventually work the average nail loose, leaving a maddening squeak in its place.

I've had experience, too much experience, with ring shank nails. They were used elsewhere in this house but applied with a fraction of the brio evidenced here: one nail every two inches, and on sixteens (every foot and a half, following the floor joists). Using a hammer to pull them is a joke, because they're designed to go in but not to come out. The heads shrivel and wilt like flowers in August drought, leaving their sharp stems sticking defiantly out of the wood. Of course, they can be driven below the surface with a hammer and a punch, but they have little or no shear (side to side) strength, so more often than not they'll bend or twist with one good hit. And if the floor has a date with the sander, the law of averages says they're going to shred a few belts.

My Dad had an old, blackened tool in his collection I always assumed was (and used) for snipping wire, but it was only recently that I learned of its purpose. End cutting pliers have a misleading name, because their primary design is not for cutting, it's for pulling. It's a blunt, wicked-looking tool with a shallow bite and a wide, curved jaw, designed with the same efficiency as a pitbull: It grabs the shank of a nail right below the head, and does not let go.

The curved edge is a lever very close to the fulcrum, which provides more focused power than a hammer and doubles to hold the jaw closed as that little SOB comes out. If, by some chance, the nail gives way before it comes out, a squeeze on the handle will snip the head as close the floor as you can get it. A tap with a punch will drive the remainder into the wood below sander depth.

I had to do some sleuthing to find a new one, because your average Home SuperStore doesn't carry them (or, at least, their websites don't) and I've got better things to do than wander the aisle of a Tool Corral trying to find where a stoned 17-year-old hid them last year.

I found mine at the local Ace hardware in under two minutes, and after I got it home I was pulling ring shank nails like daisies. I bought the 8" Ace store brand for $13. Buy something large enough to fit comfortably in your palm, because if your job is anything like mine, you'll be pulling nails for a long afternoon.

Posted on April 28, 2008 4:58 PM | link to this entry

We Now Return You To Seizure Robots.

Is it just me, or do all the trailers for "Speed Racer" look like extended acid trips? I have no honest desire to see this movie whatsoever. I guess that makes me sound old.

Posted on April 28, 2008 10:24 AM | link to this entry

April 24, 2008

Spring Fever.

Having just fired up our ~~shitty~~ balky lawnmower for the first time this year in breezy 73° weather, I am completely overwhelmed with the urge to blow off the next week of work and overhaul the front yard of our house. The problem is that I don't have the $10,000 it will take to have a crew come in to scrape, level, and replant our lawn, yank the hedgerow and replace it with a 6' privacy fence, bust out the lousy concrete walks, lay down a brick sidewalk, yank the retarded bushes flanking our front door, replant new evergreens around the perimeter of the house, and trim back the holly tree.

Posted on April 24, 2008 12:15 PM | link to this entry

Junk Drawer.

Over the course of the last eight years, I've had a very simple email address based on my domain name, and the spammers figured it out pretty early on. The amount of junk I got has been steadily increasing to the point where lately it would take my custom filters and Mail.app's junk filter about five minutes to sort my incoming mail in the morning. It wasn't unusual to see 600+ junk mails by the end of a business day, which didn't seem out of the ordinary for me.

Yesterday I started getting a ton of "Mail Not Delivered" messages coming back to me from various places, and did a little header snooping: the messages weren't addressed to my account at all, but an foreign account from an old server I used to host on. I contacted my old host and he apologized for the crossed wires; within five minutes the onslaught had dried up and I went from 5 junk mails a minute down to 5 an hour. I hadn't realized how much of that crap wasn't even coming to me directly.

Posted on April 24, 2008 9:53 AM | link to this entry

April 23, 2008

Lights and Music.

Last night, we threw the switch on our new lights—well, both switches. This marks the first working three-way switch in the entire house. We also have eight working outlets to choose from, instead of one. Halleleujah!

Unfortunately, our sleuthing uncovered more asstacular wiring in the basement. My electrician says the strange arrangement of cable runs and junction boxes points to lazy work by contractors of questionable pedigree—they used scrap wire rolling around in the back of the truck instead of using new runs. So our bill will get larger as he replaces the fire-hazards, but I'll sleep better at night knowing the house won't burn down when I plug a lamp in the odd socket in the dining room.

I had to build a new partition wall for the bathroom two nights ago so that he could install outlets and switches, something that I haven't done in a long time. All of my measuring and re-measuring worked out perfectly, though: the walls are square and true with each other, thank god.

Posted on April 23, 2008 10:50 AM | link to this entry | Comments (2)

April 22, 2008

Dear Turnip.

This morning, between taps of the snooze bar on our alarm clock, your mother took my hand and placed it on her stomach. After a few quiet moments, I felt you bump your head against the ceiling.

That was the best wakeup call ever.

Posted on April 22, 2008 10:30 AM | link to this entry | Comments (4)

April 21, 2008

Office Space.

So there's new ceiling joists on the porch as of last week. As we puzzled out how to set the whole thing up, the true picture of how off-level the porch frame actually is came into focus. As illustrated by the picture below, the tops of the windows aren't square, level, or in line with each other, which will make installation of new windows tricky and time-consuming. And speaking of tricky and time-consuming...

A portion of my Saturday was spent yanking and widening the old doorframe to the porch in preparation for installation of a new exterior grade French door, which will allow light to pass through the space and keep the heat inside the office space. Eventually this will be an outside door when the other side of the porch gets opened up. Hanging doors is one of my least favorite occupations besides wrestling feral badgers and shoveling bison poo, but hanging a pre-hung unit takes about 95% of the pain and suffering out of the process. It's not the most beautiful of doors (we can't afford the pretty ones), but it was inexpensive and it's level and it shuts perfectly. And that's good enough for me right now.

Today our electrician is back for Round One of electrical fun, where he kills one circuit to yank some ancient, crumbling wire, and a light on the other side of the house goes out. I shit you not: we killed a circuit on the north wall of the front porch, and two lights on the west side of the basement went dead.

Behold, the Master Plan:

When it's done, we'll have two separate baseboard circuits in the office for all the equipment we'll have running there, six recessed lighting fixtures with three-way switches at each door, and six data drops. That way we'll allow power and connectivity for any possible reconfiguration of the space. The skylight is still in the "possible" category, but it's not a done deal yet, based on pricing and weather. (Having already cut a hole in the roof my previous house, I can testify that it's possibly one of the most anxiety-laden remodeling jobs out there).

One thing at a time.

Update: There will be no skylight. Too much hassle, not enough time. Plus, I'd rather spend the money on good windows.

Posted on April 21, 2008 10:48 AM | link to this entry | Comments (4)

April 17, 2008

New Ceiling!

Yesterday I was lucky enough to have Mr. Scout stop by with air-powered tools and a method for leveling the ceiling, which involved more demolition and a lot of joist hangers. In about five hours, we (well, he and his working partner) hung most of the rafters while I demoed the rest of the bathroom wall and hauled debris. Words cannot describe my gratitude.

Posted on April 17, 2008 6:06 PM | link to this entry

April 15, 2008

Back In Business.

We're back on the air with DSL as of this afternoon; the nice technician called my cellphone from the pole and asked me how many lines we have in the house. Apparently the wire that was supposed to be hooked up to a certain part of the panel was not; the reason for the outage is still unexplained. Whatever the case, I don't care—I'm sick and tired of Panera.

There's been little progress on the porch since Saturday other than a long session with the shop vac, which makes working in there much more enjoyable. I have a pile of fresh new lumber and an itch to start rebuilding, but I need a consult before I can get started.

Posted on April 15, 2008 7:58 PM | link to this entry

April 14, 2008

Dear Avocado.

I'm sorry I didn't write to you last week, when you were an apple, but it was a busy week for the three of us. You’ve now been to three baby showers that aren’t your own. We went to a restaurant for the first time since January and had a meal as a family without making Mommy feel like she's been pounding shots of tequila on spring break. Your legs are growing longer! Outside, the tulip tree in the front yard is blooming, and the daffodils are exploding all over the place.

The warmer weather means I’m doing some research on new cars for getting the three of us around, because the Lockardugan fleet has a total of four doors for two cars. You see, we own two perfectly good, working, dependable coupes that are completely impractical for taking you anywhere, which means that one of them will have to go. As sad as I am to get rid of one, I’m looking forward to a new car. I’d like a full-size American pickup, but I’m setting my sights smaller, on something like a Honda Fit or a Nissan Versa. I know it’s not a sexy as a BMW or a Land Rover, but I don’t think you’ll notice the difference from the back seat.

Then, there’s car seats. At the Target the other night, we looked at the latest models, and I doubt I can get some of those things through our front door, let alone into the back seat of an automobile. Consumer Reports had an article that has me completely freaked out about any kind of car seat at all, because apparently all the good ones are made in Europe, and eight out of ten seats tested didn’t protect the test subject in a side impact. Avocado, I don’t want anything to hurt you, so I hope you can forgive me for the crash helmet and Nomex fire suit you’ll be wearing until the age of three. It’s cool, though-I’m going to do it Evel Knievel-style, with the cape and the scepter and everything.

We had a little scare with our insurance policy this past week, too. Your parents have insisted on employing themselves in the most economically sensitive industry imaginable, which means we pay stupid amounts of money to make sure prescription drugs don't force us to declare bankruptcy. It turns out we have deductibles for each of us as people, and both of those combined equal the family plan. So Daddy has to fall down some stairs and charge up the hospital bills before they'll take care of you. Do you see how much I love you? Now, let me show you how to dial 911 on my cellphone again.

Even though we've shopped a lot for other babies, we haven't started buying stuff for you yet. You're going to be a suprise, but we're not letting that determine specific colors or themes. I think we're going to make the front bedroom yours, which means we need to find a place to store the crap that's in there right now-you'd think with all the room we have in this house we'd be able to find a place for some beds-but things have gotten a lot tighter around here lately.

Your father has been busting his ass to get the front porch fixed up before your arrival, and every day brings a new challenge. Like the ceiling joists, for example. The guys who put them in weren’t familiar with a tape measure, or building codes, or complicated stuff like that. No, they just toenailed a bunch of two-by-fours into the side of the house and stuck a roof on top, which makes the fact that it hasn’t collapstigated once in the last eighty years an architectural miracle. I admit, the tempation to vault the ceiling is very strong, but I want to call in a friend who knows some more about building to see exactly what's possible before I get my hopes up. Whatever the case, it's going to take a little more time than I'd hoped.

At this point, Europe is looking better and better all the time, kid—public transportation, sturdy car seats, socialized medicine, a ban on corn syrup, and one Euro is worth an entire house. And, they know how to make good beer. Think you’d like to learn Italian?

Posted on April 14, 2008 11:23 AM | link to this entry | Comments (3)

April 11, 2008

No More Ceiling.

What a frickin' disaster. I'm going to be hanging lots of new studs and beams this weekend, and become intimately acquainted with the laser level. Good times.

Posted on April 11, 2008 4:11 PM | link to this entry | Comments (2)

April 10, 2008

Lousy Tuesday.

We're still working remotely from the local Panera because the crack Verizon repair team can't get off their asses to fix our phone line until next Wednesday. Meanwhile, the clutch on our commuting vehicle blew up yesterday, stranding Jen on the side of the road. No word on the damage to the car or our bank account yet, but when the repair bill, taxes for 2007 and projected taxes for Q1 of 2008 are paid, we're going to be left with pennies to rub together. Let us hope the news gets better the further we get into April.

Update: It's only the shift linkage, which is a $500 repair and not a $2,000 repair, thank Jeebus. And, it was Wednesday, not Tuesday; this is what happens when I don't have my internets.

Posted on April 10, 2008 1:59 PM | link to this entry | Comments (2)

April 9, 2008

Porch update.

Last night I was given a very appreciated hand by Clifford's dad Dave in demolishing the last portion of the ceiling, bagging the insulation, and removal of the huge air conditioner hanging off the back porch. However, the weatherpeople on the teevee lied to me and said it would be sunny today, which it's...not.

Posted on April 9, 2008 11:33 AM | link to this entry

April 8, 2008

On Location.

Thanks to Verizon, our phone and DSL at the studio is down yet again. So we are commuting to the local Panera for connectivity yet again. So if you need to get in touch with us, email is probably not the best solution.

Posted on April 8, 2008 11:12 AM | link to this entry

April 7, 2008

The Sky Is Falling.

This is the result of another five hours spent on the front porch yesterday. Half the ceiling is gone. The drywall around the front doorway is down, and there are twenty contractor's bags full of blown fiberglas insulation waiting to go out on the truck.

I'm taking a break today, because my ass is kicked.

Posted on April 7, 2008 9:43 AM | link to this entry

April 6, 2008

Weekend Boom, Saturday.

Looking in towards the bathroom. All the drywall is down, and the studs between the bathroom and the front room are completely gone.

Looking towards the front door from the far corner. There's only a short section of drywall on the walls left to remove, and then the ceiling comes down. Have I mentioned how much I hate blown fiberglas insulation?

I've hauled, at a conservative estimate, a ton of debris with Clifford (If the two truckloads I hauled with Mr. Scout equalled 3/4 ton, the three truckloads I moved on Friday and Saturday have to be at least a ton) and for his continued indulgence I have to say THANK YOU, DAVE.

Posted on April 6, 2008 11:25 AM | link to this entry

April 4, 2008

Now With More Boom.

Last night I was out in the office until 10PM demolishing everything I could see. The good news is that there's pretty pine flooring under the carpet all the way from the bathroom to the front door. The bad news is that I have at least two truckloads of debris to haul out, and it's supposed to rain today and tomorrow.

Posted on April 4, 2008 1:06 PM | link to this entry

April 3, 2008

Boom

This is a shot of the old office, looking into the bathroom and through to the exam room beyond. There was green carpeting, then padding, then lots of tiles (stacked on the floor) that came up with a crowbar. Dark reddish paneling covered the walls. And see the framing for the wall between the bathroom? That came after the floor was put down, which means this whole area was one open space at some point. This house gets more and more confusing as I pull away at the edges.

Posted on April 3, 2008 4:37 PM | link to this entry | Comments (1)

Dear Lemon.

You're no longer being compared to shellfish, which is great news. You've gotten a little bigger this week, and you're making your mother's life easier in small increments. She's able to move around a lot more and not want to throw up all over herself. She even took you to Trader Joe's to buy cereal on Monday, the first time she's been in a grocery store since January. So I'm celebrating your progress!

Of course, may things are still off-limits; certain foods, smells, and words—which is why I have to sneak a beer in the office while she's laying down in the bedroom. I'm still trying to feed the three of us as best I can, and I have to thank your mother for being understanding of the fact that I've exhausted all three of my dinner ideas. Mommy has strong kitchen-fu, but mine is weak, strictly subsistence-level preparation: I will toast bread, while your mother will actually bake it from scratch. So be prepared for lots of mac 'n cheese when Daddy is in charge of dinner.

It seems like everyone we talk to is knocked up too, so you'll be in good company. The count is up to eight as of today. Since we broke the big news among our family and friends, we've had tons of support and advice, as well as generous offers of furniture and clothing—something that reminds me how lucky we are. Our CPA actually jumped up and down. clapping her hands, when we told her yesterday. It didn't help us on our taxes, but that's not our CPA's fault.